Self Control – Learning How to Wait

“Brown Thrasher” 20 x 16 acrylic on canvas; painting overlaps on barn-wood frame.

There’s an adage that says “Be careful what you wish for.” Conversely, there’s another one for believers: “Be careful what you pray for.”

As the mother of six children, I was constantly on my knees praying for patience. The Lord took me at my word and gave me strong-willed children, a critical spouse, and many opportunities to serve my church and community. In the process, I gained the skills I needed to serve my family and my God better.

Of course, the road was bumpy and difficult. I discovered my dependence on God for strength, and I learned how to wait for the things that I wanted.

“Berry Picking Time” 16 x 20 oil on canvas

If you think it’s easier to indulge your physical and emotional urges and let the “chips fall where they may,” you’re wrong. If that’s how you operate, you’re the one being controlled because you’re constantly at the beck and call of your passions and desires. You couldn’t stop even if you wanted to.

Once you cross the line from choice to addiction, your life becomes a living hell. You’re no longer cool and attractive because you’re no longer in control. It is much harder to break a habit than to shape constructive behavior.

On average, it takes 30 days to form a new habit and at least twice that long to break a bad one. But if you replace a destructive habit with a good one, you will heal in the process.

Whether it’s a craving for food or a sexual addition, all appetites and passions are difficult to break. If you gain two pounds every Christmas, and you don’t take that weight off, in twenty years you’ll have 40 pounds of excess fat. What if the amount you gain every year is five pounds, or ten? Is it really worth giving in?

Looking Outward (16 x 20) acrylic; frame: Old Window

Our government has self-indulged to the tune of almost $20 trillion dollars. Politicians are continually being “found out” for seeking prostitutes or taking bribes. Where did this lack of integrity come from? How did this unwillingness to take ownership and responsibility for one’s actions become so commonplace? It starts in the home and it begins in childhood.

Self-gratification always has a price either in divorce, disease, addiction and ill health, or in the downfall of success, prestige, and integrity. We have seen it across the nation in the lives of the rich and famous whose weaknesses are exposed in the finality of death

We should show our children the principles of self-control and integrity by example. We should teach them to wait for fulfillment instead of giving them what they want the minute they whine or throw a tantrum. We should help them learn how to plan and to save, so they may experience the joy of earning what they want.

Helping our children experience “delayed gratification” will increase their willpower, teach them how to save money, and how to endure when it comes to their own future education, marriage and parenting.

Today I see my personal struggle to overcome as an advantage and blessing. Instead of running up my credit cards, I have learned to sit back, reassess my needs and wants, and wait for the right item at a price I can afford. Instead of fretting over what I don’t have, I simply make a list, plan and adjust my budget, and watch for the right opportunity.

A friend helped me shop for a much-needed chest. She fretted for me. She urged me to make a decision and just buy one that she thought was appropriate for my bathroom; but I dug in my heels. I needed the drawer space for towels, but I was willing to wait for the right one.

It took me three years to finally buy the piece I wanted. It was the perfect fit! I didn’t have to move or alter the position of the wall art. Its size required no changes whatsoever between the door on the right or the towel rack on the left. The chest slipped easily under the large mirror hanging on the wall. I found exactly what I wanted at a price I could afford.

Peace Plant

This “patience thing” has put materialism where it belongs: somewhere down there with “things,” and well below my priorities of God, family, church, community.

I admit I once was a “hot head.” But the Lord helped me count to ten, and then to 50 as I tried to weigh my words. We could use a little more self-control in our out-of-control-world. Road rage, shootings, stabbings, mob violence and destruction have never been higher. We can’t always control others, but at least we should be able to control ourselves.

What do you get in return for your self-denial and patience?   A peaceful center from which to deal with others. Your anxiety and worry will melt away as you stand fast on your convictions and beliefs. Self-confidence will replace doubts. I tell you from my own experience, the pay-off is well worth the effort.

“The Road Less Traveled” is Sometimes the only Way

“Looking Outward” 3-D painting in an actual window frame

My life has taken such twists and turns, I scarcely recognize it. Events and circumstances have turned out differently than I expected. I made choices that changed the direction I was going, the people I interacted with, and caused a complete 1-80 transition from my familial and spiritual beginnings.

I once had visions of me herding a bunch of “grands” and living near my own children so that I could enjoy the fruits of motherhood. As it is, my six children and their children are scattered to the far winds. They rarely if never take vacations where I live. I manage a few trips, but because of their numbers it’s usually only once every three years or more that I see any one of them.

“Day Dreams” 11 x 14 oil on canvas

They inherited my aversion to telephones, so we don’t talk as often as we should. But thank goodness for Facebook and email or I’d never learn a thing about who they are and what they do.

One of my children hasn’t spoken to me since he left to live with his father at age 15. I expected that he’d get over it in time, but he hasn’t. He now has two children (one I only heard about from his sister). I saw the first one when she was only one years of age, and then again at three. Now she’s somewhere between eight and ten years of age, and she doesn’t even know me.

I’ve traveled long and far. My journey has been difficult and painful. The peace I’ve found along the way has been hard-won. The missing pieces in my life leave a large hole that only my children can fill.

“Through her Eyes” sketch of live sitter

When I titled my blog “Artwork and Musings from my Dancing Heart,” I truly meant that because down deep inside, I’m an optimist. But in the normal course of living, for all of us, there is a wearing down, day after day, and it’s bound to have an effect.

In my first marriage, whenever I was “up” my husband was “down” looking sad and morose. When he could ignore me or bully me into a corner that’s when he’d feel the control he needed to breakout into a smile and dance around with pleasure. For some strange reason, my playfulness and laughter was his nemesis.

If I was happy that meant I had something over on him. Perhaps I’d spent too much money. Maybe I wasn’t burdened down with the cooking and the cleaning for our large family. If it was too easy for me, then I probably wasn’t doing my job. For whatever reason, we were never on the same plane of joy or the same wave length.

“Moody Blues” mixed media on canvas

Today our pathways seldom cross. When they do it’s usually for a wedding or special occasion. Then he’s on his best behavior. He smiles and interacts with the children in a demonstrative way I never saw when we were together. His current wife and he seem to have “the perfect” relationship.

But when the festivities are over his facade dissolves into the sad and empty expression that I remember. It doesn’t reveal itself too often. The smiley face is the mask he wears to deal with the world. I hurt for him. I would love to see peace and contentment spread over his face as a permanent fixture not just when other people are present.

“Namesake” acrylic on canvas

We all wear masks at times to hide the humanity we’re ashamed to show to those we don’t know. It’s important to have a close confidante you feel comfortable with so you can vent some of that anger and resentment. My release came from an art teacher and her weekly class. When I was involved completely in painting, I was in another sphere; free, alive and soaring. I forgot about my problems. My deep sadness slunk into the shadows, and the weight lifted from my shoulders.

Today I don’t regret that twisted rocky path I traveled on to get from there to here. Sure the sadness lingers, memory doesn’t wipe the slate clean. My journey has brought me to a place of confidence and well-being that was not possible in my former life. I took the path “less traveled, and that has made all the difference.”

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5

Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same, 10

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back. 15

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 20

By Robert Frost

Illness always reminds us of our Fragile Humanity

Looking Outward (16 x 20) acrylic; frame: Old Window

I was bitten by a brown recluse spider one Christmas; a near fatal experience that increased my faith. I had severe bronchitis one year that ended up being the turning point for change in a long and difficult marriage.

This year it was traveling by plane to a wedding. Somewhere along the way I picked up a virus (no wonder when the plane was filled with crying, coughing children and barking dogs). I vowed I would never fly again during the holidays, but how could I miss my grandson’s wedding?

The festivities brought my three daughters and me together for the first time in years. Since all of us live great distances from each other, the wedding gave us a welcome chance to share stories and laughs.

The reunion also brought back treasured memories of my own mother who always shared her joy of life through laughter and tears. Relationships are the glue that heals all wounds. Without them, we would shrivel up inside.

During a difficult period in my life, my friend Alice gave me a prayer plant. “It will remind you of where your strength comes from,” she said. Sure enough, every evening as the sun went down, the prayer plant extended its leaves upward. I was reminded to turn to God more often, and I also remembered my friend.

When a move across country forced me to leave the plant behind, I photographed it. Sometime later, I created an oil painting of the plant sitting beside a garden glove and a trowel. The painting still hangs in my kitchen. Whenever I look at it, I remember my friend and her reminder to reach up in times of need. Her priceless gift of love was simple and inexpensive, but never forgotten.

My dear mother died of lung cancer and I will always regret not being there for her when she needed me most. I was working full time and would have lost my job and my home if I’d taken six months off to assist her. Looking back, I wish I’d have done it. I lost precious time being with her. Like my daughters, I was separated from my mother by time and distance.

Sometimes the things that matter most suffer by the things that matter least. What seems important at the time loses its value on close examination. People always matter more than things. Our possessions tarnish with time. Everything wears out with use. Love and the relationships that grow out of unconditional lasting love endure and weather the ups and downs of turbulence and trouble.