The Handshake – when it’s Appropriate, and when it’s not!

“Does this hat make me look fat?”

One of my grandson’s has moderate Asperger’s Syndrome. Asperger’s syndrome was named for the Austrian doctor, Hans Asperger, who first described the disorder in 1944. However, Asperger’s was not recognized as a unique disorder until much later.

This condition is believed to be hereditary in families and has to do with the development of social skills. It is believed to be related to Autism, but not directly. I’m amazed at how well my grandson has been able to function while suffering from this neurological and behavioral condition.

“Ibis on a Perch” Sometimes we must go out on a limb to meet people!

Most of us would probably consider ourselves inept in certain social situations especially as we go through the stages of growth and development. Social skills don’t come naturally to many people. The lucky few learn these skills from their parents and teachers, but most will learn from experience and from their own personal failures.

Entering someone’s “space” or touching them before you know them well is often considered inappropriate or “too much too soon.” For “touchy feely” people like me restraint is difficult. I must pull in the reins even though it feels perfectly natural for me to reach out a hand or put an arm around someone when there is shared laughter or humor.

In certain circumstances, even a handshake seems too forward. For instance, you wouldn’t go around shaking people’s hands in a crowded airport. It may be absolutely normal to engage someone in conversation if you need directions or help, but going beyond that may raise a few eyebrows. Appearing too snoopy or friendly may cast suspicions on your motives and your character.

“Ibis Only Peeking”
Are you being overly intimate?

As a writer, it is necessary for me to interview different kinds of people in varying professions. I’m expert at prying into other people’s business. In a personal setting, I have to back off or risk being too aggressive and hurting someone’s feelings.  Playing the role of investigative reporter can really put people off unless they know that’s why you’re there in the first place.

Here’s a tip for my grandson and for all those who feel awkward in social settings and want to make brownie points,. “Get the other person to talk about themselves. If you do this, you may never have to speak again.” I say this in jest, but have you ever noticed how much people like to talk on and on about themselves?

‘Hut two three four” Take the first step: Ask a question?

To put yourself at ease, have a few interested but non-personal questions prepared beforehand. “Are you new to Florida?”  “Are you a friend of the hostess?” “Did your profession bring you here?” Once you get the other person talking, you may want to contribute some information about yourself. Once the give and take starts, you have a real conversation going.

In a more intimate setting where most people are known to you, the handshake can bring an added feeling of warmth and friendliness. Be aware of how the other person reacts. If they seem uncomfortable, perhaps a handshake is too much at this point in time or there may be an underlying problem.

I have arthritis in my hands. Some people clamp down so hard that they cause pain. I have learned to reach out with both hands to these people; one for shaking, the other to disarm them or add an extra bit of intimacy. They are so surprised by my two-hand shake that they release their grip on my painful hand and I’m saved.

Handshakes are especially appropriate when introductions are made. A firm handshake tells you a lot about the person’s confidence and warmth. A limp handshake signifies that person is holding back and isn’t sure about this new relationship or they may be shy and unsure of themselves.

Don’t get left in the dust. Ask a question? When introduced, offer a firm handshake.

Friendly handshakes are good for greeting or welcoming other people to a group setting or fellowship. Like interests have brought them here in the first place and so attendees already share something in common.  This is true of a church or worship setting or a place where people come back more than once to share their views, interests or problems.

Social skills can be learned and acquired. It just takes practice and experience. There is a learning curve that happens until you pick up a few secrets to enhance the interchange of ideas and information. Once you conquer your fears, it gets easier each time you put yourself out there.

Friends at last — flying together into the sunset!

If people with a disability like my grandson can do it, you can do it too!

If you’re interested in learning more about Asperger’s go to WebMd.com  @ http://www.webmd.com/mental-health-aspergers-syndrome

To Touch or Not to Touch That is the Question

I’m a hugger and a toucher. It goes way back to my Danish/Swedish heritage. In our family we called them “love pats.” As a child, I’d try to dodge those slap-on-the-back taps whenever possible; some could even sting.

Now I’m doing the same thing: thumping my spouse and my friends on the back followed by a big squeeze of adoration. It’s like a bear hug with suffocating pressure. I tell myself to taper back, but when emotion swells my chest, I get carried away.

How we approach others tells them a lot about us. Sometimes my exuberance puts people off. My welcoming embrace can be overpowering. My enthusiasm may offend the non-touchers and the formal greeters from other countries and cultures. But once people get to know me, they hug me right back, so I guess that’s a plus.

Some people are more touchy-feely than others. Many families are more affectionate. It’s wise to check out the customs of other people before you offend them inadvertently. Manners and acceptable behavior varies around the world.

When I was in Korea, it is their custom to dine sitting on a floor cushion around a low table. They never use a toothpick or try to dislodge a piece of food from their mouth in public without first covering their mouth with the other hand. Yet, they consider it an affirmation of downright deliciousness to burp after a meal, not just once, but several times in declaration.

An American who was sitting at our table put on lipstick and combed her hair after the meal. The shocked and embarrassed glares told me that this behavior was totally unacceptable in Korea, especially in polite company.

Never one to give up on people, I look into their eyes while I shake their hand with both of mine. That’s my way of saying “I respect you. I really like you. I’m interested in what you have to say.”

My husband, on the other hand, is Norwegian. As he likes to say, “Norvegian’s look at your shoes and never give eye contact until they get to know ya’.” Actually it’s true. It was more than a few years of marriage before he could talk to me and look me in the eye for more than a few seconds at a time. I cherish looking into his eyes now for lengthy discussions or sharing the day’s trivialities.

In business there’s a whole “other” set of rules and behavior. People like me who are outgoing and friendly need to be careful that their actions don’t betray them or cause co-workers to misinterpret their actions. Too much eye contact may seem flirtatious. Touching may seem forward or seen as a signal for more provocative behavior.

You’re usually more at ease in being yourself, but you need to respect the space that others may need and want. Understand that you can’t please everyone. Be genuine and others will feel at ease, too.

Star Gazing, Navel Gazing and Intoxication

“Moonshines” mixed media on canvas

Why do some people live static uninteresting lives while others seem to soar to the top? What is it that separates the realists from the dreamers? The introverts from the extroverts; and why in heck does it matter?

The word “myopic” is used to describe people who are bigoted and narrow-minded. Oftentimes, this term is laid on the undeserving because it’s easy to jump to conclusions and put labels on people before we really get to know them or understand why and how they think. In our “instant” society, we trash, label, and despair those who think differently from us. We hurry to form opinions of others and miss the sparkle of ingenuity that may lie just beneath the surface. What a waste!

Too many of us are crowd pleasers and sycophants looking for our next fix of approval and adoration. Whatever is culturally popular and acceptable is where they’ll find us chanting and shouting in unison the latest phrases and tweets. We have become a nation of navel gazers; so focused on our own narrow world view that we miss the big picture.

In the past, according to Wickipedia, “many cultures, including the Greeks, associated tremendous power with the navel. Obviously, the navel is a connection to the life-force of one’s mother, through the umbilical cord, so in some cultures, it is viewed as a center or starting point. In several societies, people have specified particular sites as the “Navel of the World,” ranging from Delphi to Easter Island. These sites were believed to have religious significance as centers of culture and religion for members of these societies.

“Hibiscus Glory” 16 x 20 oil on canvas (SOLD) Prints available

“In the 1900s, “navel gazing” began to take on the additional meaning of being used to refer to people who seemed extremely self-absorbed or unaware of their surroundings because they were too focused on their own issues. In this sense, the term is generally meant to be derogatory, implying that someone needs to open his or her awareness a bit to think beyond the current situation, or to consider others. In this sense, navel gazing is viewed as rather self indulgent.”

You will never dream nor find inspiration if you spend your time navel gazing. On the other hand, if you look outside yourself and in your fear anesthetize yourself from pain, wonder, fear, and life experiences, you may become one of the walking dead among the living: an emotional zombie who never discovered his or her purpose in life.

“In Greek mythology the lotus-eaters were a race of people living on an island near North Africa dominated by lotus plants. The lotus fruits and flowers were the primary food of the island and were narcotic, causing the people to sleep in peaceful apathy.”

I read this statement and wondered if our growing appetite for drug addiction in whatever form might be the downfall of a nation lolled into thinking that everything is all right when it’s actually in freefall.

“Broken” mixed media on canvas (SOLD) Prints available

“In the Odyssey IX, Odysseus tells how adverse north winds blew him and his men off course as they were rounding Cape Malea, the southernmost tip of the Peloponnesus, headed westwards for Ithaca:

“I was driven thence by foul winds for a space of 9 days upon the sea, but on the tenth day we reached the land of the Lotus-eaters, who live on a food that comes from a kind of flower. Here we landed to take in fresh water, and our crews got their mid-day meal on the shore near the ships. When they had eaten and drunk I sent two of my company to see what manner of men the people of the place might be, and they had a third man under them. They started at once, and went about among the Lotus-eaters, who did them no hurt, but gave them to eat of the lotus, which was so delicious that those who ate of it left off caring about home, and did not even want to go back and say what had happened to them, but were for staying and munching lotus with the Lotus-eaters without thinking further of their return; nevertheless, though they wept bitterly I forced them back to the ships and made them fast under the benches. Then I told the rest to go on board at once, lest any of them should taste of the lotus and leave off wanting to get home, so they took their places and smote the grey sea with their oars.”^[1]

Are we fast becoming a culture of navel gazers addicted to our own self-gratification, oblivious to what’s happening in our country and in the world? Have we digressed so far that we simply “don’t give a dam?”

Once we were a nation of dreamers, inventors, and discoverers. Of course, the foolish and the unwise accused them of “star gazing;” spending too much time in frivolous pursuit of the impossible. Their efforts were considered a waste of time until the accolades and the money came in. Then they were appreciated. How convenient!

“Day Dreams” 11 x 14 oil on canvas

When we look up at the moon and the stars we discover an open door. Instead of seeing the dirt at our feet and the fuzz in our navels, we open our minds to greatness. Here are some quotes from a few star gazers who proved that looking beyond our own selfish pleasures may put us in touch with a higher force:

“Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.” Harriet Tubman

“We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature – trees, flowers, grass – grows in silence. See the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence. We need silence to be able to touch souls.” Mother Teresa

And may I add to Mother Teresa’s quote: We need silence to get in touch with the divine within our own souls.

Don’t be a passive player on life’s stage, my friends. Be a dreamer, active in sharing and believing in possibilities. Take your hopes to the next level. Aspire to live the purpose for which you were created!