Tina Turner Sang: “What’s Love Got to Do, Got to do with It?” Well, I’ll Tell You!

“The Dance” 11×14 pastel, matted and ready to frame.

Some people are so thick skinned; you have to pound them over the head before they get the point. Others shrivel or weep at the drop of a hat. The saying “Their bark is worse than their bite” describes those who protect themselves with bravado because within they are a “soft touch.”

Tender hearted people often build barriers to protect their vulnerability. Over time, they may alienate the very people they love out of fear of being hurt. If they let others in, their real personality; their faults and failings may be exposed? They could be taken advantage of or manipulated into doing something they may not want to do? So the walls go up and intimacy along with its attendant joy is denied.

“Broken Hearted” 11×14 pastel on Bristol; matted and ready for framing.

After experiencing the highs and lows of “love and romance,” I told one prospective mate that I didn’t play games and I disliked those who do. “If you don’t like something – just say so. What you see is what you get,” I said. “I pretty much tell it like it is.”

Of course, that works fine when both are in agreement. But if one person lays himself bare, and the other holds back then the rules of the game are broken. You end up in a relationship where you think you know the other person, but you don’t. Full disclosure is not only fair, it should be mandatory.

“Americana” 16xz20 acrylic on canvas (ON SALE)

When you buy a home, full disclosure is the letter of the law. You want to know there are no major problems in the structure of the house or if the plumbing or roof leaks. When you agree to marry a spouse, you want to know if he or she has the ability to cope in a pinch or are they going to blow up every time the tension rises. Are they built to weather a crisis or are they going to leak and run whenever the going gets tough.

Too often important character traits are missed while the “games are played” or flaws are blown off in the heat of romance. It is difficult to find someone who is not only unselfish, but honest and straightforward. This applies to friends, too. Genuine friends are never jealous of another’s achievements. They can share in the limelight and enjoy the other’s success. They’re not afraid to stand beside you when the curtain falls or when triumphs turn into failure. They’ve got your back!

A beautiful bride filled with hope and promise.

“To love and to cherish ‘til death do you part” is not just idle chatter. It is a commitment, a trust, a promise to be open and honest with each other. Love is action. It is in the “doing” or lack thereof that many relationships thrive or fail. Emotions are fickle. When they are lacking, act as if they are still there and the feelings will return.  Friendship can supply the foundation that holds lasting love together.

Spouses and lovers should be best friends. Love and passion can waiver through the years, but likability stands the test of time. A friend is someone you can count on always. They never let you down. They are not fickle in love or loyalty. If you want to have lasting love for a lifetime, be sure that the one you idolize and cherish is also a friend you’d be willing to go to bat for; better yet, someone you’d be willing to give your life for if that were required.

A Joyful Heart, 11 x 14 pastel on Bristol; matted and ready to frame.

The Ghosts of Halloween’s Past – the Devil is in the Details!

Happy Halloween!

On Halloween night at our house, I made a big pot of chili that the children were too excited to eat. When they returned from “trick-or-treat” with their father in tow, they had to down a few bites before they were allowed to dive into their candy.

After six children and many Halloween celebrations under my belt, we ended up with a large costume box filled with various themes and sizes. The box was a big hit with neighborhood friends and provided hours of entertainment all through the year.

The old Raggedy Ann and Andy costumes my husband and I wore to an adult party were in there plus the simple white pillowcase with cutout eyes and a cottontail glued to the rear. Ears were tied with string and could become a rabbit or a sheep depending on how tall the toddler was and how long the ears.

at Stone Mountain in Georgia

Once I became a Geisha girl using a silk Japanese robe my son had given me. I wound panty hose around a 1960’s fur hat and turned it into black towering hair. After my face was painted white and makeup had been applied, I finished my “look” with white stockings and black platform thongs. My friend said that was either the ugliest costume she’d ever seen, or the best one there; she couldn’t decide which.

As a youth teacher and leader, I disliked Halloween events. When children or teens hide behind a mask you never know what kind of demon is going to emerge. Many a tyrant was born on Halloween night when they thought others couldn’t see who they really were.

Adrianne and Jaidan

Many people go through life wearing disguises of one kind or another. They hide behind a false front and then take off their mask when in their own familiar surroundings.

We all try to make a good impression and put our “best foot forward.” We want people to like us. But there comes a time when the masks either come off willingly as people try to gain intimacy or the disguise is revealed painfully later on. The adage “better late than never” doesn’t work in this case. In relationships the “sooner the better” is always best.

In your interactions with others watch for these red flags:

• Outbursts of anger or temper tantrums. The person’s mask sometimes slips to reveal these important inconsistencies. They may apologize profusely and have convincing arguments for their behavior, but trust your own gut instincts. If the other person is covering up an uncontrollable temper, imagine the fireworks when the mask comes off permanently!
• Irrational behavior. Tirades, spending or eating binges that come out of nowhere may be deep-seated and bubble to the surface when a hot button is pushed. This person may have emotional issues that are way out of their control and probably yours.
• Public outbursts. If causing a public scene doesn’t bother them, then erratic loud behavior in private may be the “norm.” When their own actions don’t embarrass them, nothing you can say or do will make any difference. If you dislike public displays, make a fast exit from this person.
• Treatment of other people. How they treat their mother or other close relatives may tell you a lot about their history and habits. If they treat strangers and outsiders better than those who are close, beware! This type is a performance artist always looking for applause and admiration. Around family they really let their hair down. Courtesy and thoughtfulness go right out the window.
• Beliefs and values are out of step with actual behavior. Some people brag about being honest yet they look for every excuse to justify cheating, slipping into a second movie theater without paying, covering up a mistake or blaming it on someone else.
• Possessiveness that requires an accounting.  “Why didn’t you call?” “Where were you when I called?” Who were you talking to just now?” You’re constantly bombarded with questions from this insecure type. They doubt your answers. They want to control your time, your friends, even your relatives. They smother you with affection, but it’s just another means of control. They want you all to themselves. Your life, your needs, your wants suddenly become smaller and smaller until you disappear altogether.
• The green-eyed monster disguised as love. “Were you flirting with him?” “I saw you smile.” “Your line was busy for 30 minutes! Who were you talking to?” As the song goes: “Every move you make, every turn you take, I’ll be watching you.” When the mask finally comes off, it becomes obvious the only person they love is themselves. With this jealous man or woman you’ll feel guilty even when you’re not. You can’t do anything right. Being human is a sin.
• A raised fist, a not-so-gentle jab may just be the beginning. Physical abuse is escalating behavior. In the beginning it may start with shouting and name-calling. Eventually the threats turn into action. If you see a glimpse of this when the mask is still on you’d better watch out! When they’re in their comfort zone they may take the velvet gloves off.

Watch out for those red flags, not only on Halloween, but every day of the year. When the smile and boasting phase is over and the disguises come off, be sure you don’t end up with a real goon or a ghoul!